Trauma-Proofing Your Children: Building Resilience and Breaking Cycles

January 9, 2025

“The most profound thing we can offer our children is our healing.” – Anne Lamott

Whether you have children of your own or simply have children in your life, doing your personal healing work is one of the best gifts you can offer yourself, your family, and your community.

I started Somatic Therapy Partners (STP) in February of 2020 because I wanted to create a flourishing group practice that serves folks struggling with the impacts of early trauma. Here at STP, our reason for existing, the vision we have for the world is:

To end the impacts of trauma from being passed on to the next generation.

In other words, Somatic Therapy Partners is in the business of ending inter-generational trauma. Working on yourself is one of the most vital legacies that you can pass on. This is especially true if you’re a parent or have kids in your life that you’re related to or work with.

Overcoming your inheritance

“When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it’s our job to share our calm, not join their chaos.” – L.R. Knost

For the readers that may have a sense of or directly know that your early childhood has impacted you negatively, overcoming the inheritance of having to survive really hard things requires bravery, persistence, attuned support, and dedication.

I’ve been open, in a very broad way, about my own history of early and on-going trauma (see blog posts). Specifically, living with parents who were physically abusive and emotionally neglectful. As a young child, interacting with my parents on the day-to-day often meant that I was repeatedly spoken to or treated with contempt. It also meant I was frequently ignored or made to feel that my experiences (especially my emotions) were unimportant, too much, or stupid.

From the physical or nervous system perspective:

Being treated with contempt, which is like hate or disgust, forces a young child’s nervous system to go into survival or protection mode.
This means that their little and still developing bodies start to brace against getting hurt (even if no physical abuse is present).
Their heart rate goes up, their breathing becomes shallow, all their muscles start to constrict or brace and a whole bunch of stress hormones invade their body preparing them to survive.
And, if their parents continue to do this over and over, without any emotional repair or invitation back into meaningful connection, their little bodies create somatic patterns of constriction and physiological patterns of higher stress hormones throughout their system.
Over time, this pattern of too many stress hormones in their body, can result in lowered immune functioning (getting sick all the time), digestive issues such as chronic stomach aches or diarrhea, as well as decreased cognitive ability (struggles with school).

Psychologically, when a child is ignored or made to feel that their experiences are stupid or unimportant it has major negative impacts on the child’s self-worth and future interpersonal effectiveness.

Because what is true is that shame and trauma always go together when it happens early in a person’s life.

In essence, when a child grows up NOT FEELING SAFE in their own family, their brains and bodies get wired for protection instead of connection. “Survival physiology,” synonymous with toxic stress, becomes the dominant pattern in their nervous system which results in a whole host of maladaptive coping behaviors. Moreover, these children grow into adults who often have a very hard time feeling safe within themselves and in the world.

When my daughter was born, I vowed to end the legacy of abuse and neglect. I overcame my “inheritance” so that she doesn’t have to. This is the “deep why” undergirding Somatic Therapy Partners’ existence.

Are you a legacy breaker?

“Parenthood isn’t about raising children who make no mistakes. It’s about being the safe place your children can return to when hard times come.” – Lauren Fortenberry

Overcoming the legacy of abuse, neglect, maltreatment and other hard experiences is a journey! If you’ve read this far, you or someone you know probably falls into this category.

Here are some ways to know that you’re overcoming your inheritance and breaking the legacy of dysfunction from your family:

You’re committed to mindful and attuned parenting because you don’t want your children to have to endure what you did.
You practice self-care.
You’re learning self-love through practicing self-compassion.
You strive to treat others with dignity and care, including yourself.
You can let yourself feel your feelings and hold your vulnerability with care.
You actively practice self-regulation skills when you feel activated.
You ask for help when you need it.

There are many more things to add to this list – what’s on your list? What have you been doing that tells you that you are breaking the cycle of dysfunction handed down to you from your family?

Also, I just need to say I’m so fucking proud of you! I see you and honor the effort, time, struggle and attention needed to be a legacy breaker! I encourage you to set aside some time to journal about the ways you have already done this. It’s important that we learn how to acknowledge ourselves for wanting a different future than our past and all the ways we are already accomplished in this regard.

Somatic Techniques for Parents and Kids

Supporting children to build resilience and manage stress begins with accessible, body-based techniques. Here are a few simple somatic practices parents can try with their children:

Butterfly Hugs: Sit with your child and show them how to place their hands on their opposite shoulders, forming a “butterfly” with their arms. Take turns tapping each shoulder lightly, left to right, while breathing slowly together. This gentle movement helps to calm the nervous system, providing comfort and stability in the body.
Grounding Through Senses: Guide your child to notice five things they can see, four things they can touch, three things they can hear, two things they can smell, and one thing they can taste. This technique is both grounding and distraction-oriented, helping them focus on the present moment.
Deep Belly Breathing: Teach children how to place their hands on their bellies and feel it rise as they take a slow, deep breath in. Hold for a moment, then slowly exhale. Breathing exercises activate the body’s relaxation response, reducing feelings of anxiety and bringing a sense of calm.
Shake It Out: Encourage your child to release stress by shaking their arms, legs, and even their whole body. This simple movement can help release pent-up energy, allowing them to reset and feel more at ease.

Ready to try these techniques with your child? Set aside a few minutes today to practice grounding through senses or deep belly breathing together. Small moments like these can make a big difference in building your child’s resilience.

Modeling Self-Regulation

Children learn a great deal by observing the behaviors of the adults around them. Modeling self-regulation not only teaches them valuable coping skills but also fosters a calmer environment for everyone. Here’s how you can show self-regulation in real-time:

Pausing in Stressful Moments: When faced with a challenging moment, take a visible pause before responding. Breathe in deeply, and even say aloud, “I’m going to take a breath before I respond.” This demonstrates to your child that it’s okay to take a moment to gather oneself.
Naming Feelings: Express your own emotions in a calm, easy manner. For example, “I’m feeling a little overwhelmed right now, so I’m going to take a few breaths.” This helps children understand that all emotions are normal and manageable.
Self-Soothing Techniques: Practice simple techniques like hand over heart or light tapping on your body to calm yourself when you’re feeling tense. Explain to your child why you’re doing it: “This helps me feel a little more grounded.”
Practice saying “Sorry”: When you find yourself reacting in a way you didn’t intend, acknowledge it openly: “I spoke sharply to you and I’m sorry, I was feeling stressed. You didn’t deserve that.” Getting curious and giving your kids time to share their experience of your reaction helps them to feel seen and heard which also helps them to calm down. This also shows children the importance of repair in relationships.

Want to learn more ways to model self-regulation? Schedule a consultation with one of our somatic therapists to explore personalized strategies for mindful, compassionate parenting.

Reflection Prompts

To deepen the impact of this journey, here are some reflection prompts for you to pause and consider:

What are some of the ways I’ve grown since becoming a parent or caregiver?
How did I experience comfort and connection growing up? In what ways do I want my child to feel different?
When I feel stressed or overwhelmed, how do I want my child to see me respond?
What are the somatic practices that help me feel grounded? How can I bring these into my parenting?

Take time with these questions, letting each one guide you to new insights and a stronger sense of purpose in supporting your child’s well-being.

Take a moment for yourself. Grab a journal and write down your reflections from these prompts. Consider sharing your insights with a supportive friend or therapist to deepen your journey of self-awareness and growth.

Somatic Therapy in Action

Real-life examples can illustrate the profound difference somatic therapy can make. Here are a few anonymized scenarios of somatic therapy in action:

Restoring Calm in a Young Child: A child with frequent anxiety found it hard to settle at bedtime. Through simple grounding exercises like deep belly breathing and “safe place” visualization, she began feeling calmer and more comfortable in her body. Her parent noticed a marked improvement in her ability to wind down and feel safe during bedtime.
Building Resilience in Teens: A teenager who had experienced bullying developed a pattern of physical tension, often clenching his fists and jaw. By learning to release this tension through gentle shaking and breathing techniques, he could better navigate his feelings and face challenging situations more calmly.
Healing Past Trauma in Adults: A mother dealing with her own history of childhood trauma started receiving Coregulating Touch and using somatic self-regulation skills somatic joy-spotting and wall pushing when feeling angry or overwhelmed. These practices helped her feel more grounded and present. Consequently, things that use to feel triggering when she was with her kids felt less urgent and she was less reactive leading to more meaningful connectedness when interacting with her children.

These examples show how somatic practices can foster connection, support emotional regulation, and empower both parents and children to feel safer and more at ease in their bodies.

Curious about how somatic therapy can benefit your family? Book a discovery session with us to see how somatic practices can support you and your child in feeling safer, more connected, and resilient.

Resources

Often, I’m asked for resources to support one’s healing journey. Here’s a list of my three favorite books related to overcoming early trauma and parenting if you have a traumatic history:

Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel Siegel et. al
It Didn’t Start With You by Mark Wolynn
Trauma Proofing Your Kids by Peter Levine

Additionally, I’m thinking about starting a FREE book club in the beginning of November where we will read the last book on the list together and then talk about ways to implement the practices given throughout the book.

If you’re interested in joining this group and getting information about it, please email us at info@somatictherapypartners.com with the subjecting line “Trauma proofing my kids” and we will send out the information asap.

Until then, there is so much love for you here! Thank you for reading!

FAQ Section

Somatic therapy focuses on connecting the mind and body and emphasizing their equal importance. Helping children feel the sensations and impulses in their bodies gives rise to children making choices about their behaviors instead of just reacting. For children, it can be especially helpful in managing stress, building resilience, and developing healthy coping mechanisms.

Yes, many somatic techniques are simple enough to practice at home, such as grounding exercises, breathing practices, and gentle body movements like shaking or tapping.

Trauma in children can show up in many ways, such as recurring physical symptoms (headaches, stomach aches), trouble concentrating, or heightened emotional reactions. If you’re unsure, consulting a trauma-informed therapist can provide guidance.

Absolutely! Somatic techniques for young children are tailored to be gentle and accessible, focusing on safety and body awareness. Practices like deep breathing and grounding exercises are suitable for all ages.

This varies depending on the individual and the situation, but many families notice positive shifts after a few weeks of consistent practice. Building resilience is a gradual process, but small, steady changes can have a lasting impact.

Releasing trauma in children involves creating a safe, supportive environment where they can process their experiences at their own pace. Techniques like somatic therapy, play therapy, and expressive arts therapy allow children to express and process difficult emotions non-verbally. A parent’s unwavering loving presence goes a long way to help children feel more centered and safe in their bodies. Working with a trauma-trained therapist is essential, as they can guide both the child and family in gentle, effective ways to process and heal from traumatic experiences.

Signs of trauma in children can vary but often include:

Physical symptoms like headaches or stomachaches
Sleep disturbances, such as nightmares or difficulty falling asleep
Behavioral changes, like increased aggression, withdrawal, or mood swings
Difficulty concentrating or performing in school
Emotional responses such as extreme fear, anxiety, or irritability
Regressed behaviors, like bedwetting or clinginess
Changes in appetite and food preferences.
Self-harming behaviors such as cutting, head-banging or increased high-risk behaviors.

If you notice these signs, a trauma-informed professional can help assess and provide the right support for your child.

The 3 R’s in trauma-informed parenting are Regulate, Relate, and Reason:

Regulate: Help the child manage their emotions and nervous system by modeling calm and offering soothing techniques like deep breathing.
Relate: Build a strong, compassionate connection with the child, making them feel understood and supported.
Reason: Once the child feels safe and connected, engage in gentle reasoning to help them understand and make sense of their emotions and experiences.

These steps help create a safe, nurturing environment where children can process trauma more effectively.

The best therapy for children with trauma often depends on the child’s age, needs, and preferences. Commonly recommended therapies include:

Somatic Therapy: Focuses on helping children release stored trauma through body-based practices.
Play Therapy: Allows younger children to express and work through trauma in a safe, creative setting.
Synergetic Play Therapy: (SPT) was developed by Lisa Dion in 2008 and born from the realization that it was possible to regulate another person’s nervous system by first regulating your own. Profound healing occurs when therapists are able to attune to themselves and co-regulate through the dys-regulation that arises in the child’s play allowing the child to move towards their challenging thoughts, feelings and body sensations. It is in this deeply resonant state that a synergy emerges allowing the child to heal and re-pattern their nervous system.

Have more questions? Visit our FAQ page or reach out to us directly. Our team at Somatic Therapy Partners is here to support you on your journey to trauma-proofing your family.