Looking back at a year of collective losses
2020 was a year filled with chaos, anxiety, uncertainty, grief, and loss, all of which seems to be an ongoing state. I’d say there are very few people who have not been affected in some way by this pandemic, racial unrest, or economic downturn. In fact, we are all experiencing collective grief and loss as a global community.
Illness and death due to COVID and subsequent job losses have touched virtually every family in some way. On top of larger losses, we are all grieving the loss of all the simple things in life that we took for granted…hugs, the touch of a friend’s hand to reassure us, seeing smiles, or even sitting across the table to have a cup of coffee with a neighbor. We are grieving our previously “normal” life.
Are you wondering if and/or when everything will get back to some kind of normal? Before normal can return, it’s important to acknowledge your grief and losses. Even though you may be still in the middle of all this uncertainty and instability, you must “name it to feel it,” in order to find some inner peace and to move beyond it.
Ten Ways to Cope with Grief and Loss
Do you feel stuck in your grief and not sure how to move forward? Here are some simple ways to work with grief daily:
- Breathe: Pay attention to your breath for at least 5 breaths. This will help you to slow down, be more present in your body, and will relax your nervous system through the vagus nerve and parasympathetic nervous system.
2. Meditate: You can find many guided meditations to calm your mind and relax your body. My personal favorite is “Wheel of Awareness” by Dan Siegel1. Or you can simply sit and notice your breath (see #1). Breathing is a basic meditation practice that is simple but not always easy! Your mind will still be busy, but you can watch your thoughts as if they are clouds passing by.
3. Move: Exercise and physical movement allow us to quiet our minds by being present in our bodies. It can be relaxing or invigorating depending on the pace and intensity. Movement helps to counteract the “freeze” response that can be accompanied by depression and fatigue. Look online for free yoga or dance classes. Or skip the classes and dance spontaneously to your favorite music in your living room with yourself, roommates, partner, children to add an element of fun and lightness!
4. Connect: We are social beings and thrive on connections to others. But sometimes overwhelm, grief or depression can lead to social isolation. Reaching out to someone in your community of family or friends can be a lifeline to remind you that you are not alone, that you are cared about, that there is hope. Prayer or connection to a revered spiritual teacher can be a deep comfort, even if there are no humans you feel you can turn to in the moment.
5. Create: Art, journal writing, storytelling, singing or playing musical instruments are all creative pursuits that nurture our souls. Do a virtual tour of a museum to feel inspired. If you don’t feel artistic, it can still be therapeutic to simply paint with washable finger-paints or sculpt with Play-Doh…you might be surprised at what emerges!
6. Play: Building on the theme above, we all need time to play, to have some reprieve from the burdens of adult responsibilities. You don’t need expensive toys or travel destinations. All it requires is curiosity and any activity that has the sole purpose of playfulness to enjoy something for the sheer fun of it! Think of things or games you loved as a child to get you started. Bring your inner child to life to add some moments of pure joy!
7. Feel: “If you don’t feel it, you can’t heal it!” Take time out to feel your feelings. “E-motion” literally means “to move.” Grief especially needs some attention to move on. You will feel a release to have the heaviness that is stored in you move out in the form of tears or sounds. Lightness will follow, even if only for a little while. Little by little, the grief will become transformed, day by day.
8. Rest: In the constant rush of work life, emails that follow us to the bedroom, family obligations, cooking, cleaning (the list goes on), it’s hard to find the time to get adequate sleep. Restful sleep at night affects every aspect of our lives: mood, clarity of thinking, energy/stamina, and relationships. What about resting or even taking a nap in the middle of the day?? As self-indulgent as this may seem, it’s invaluable to restore our nervous systems by taking breaks.
9. Nature: How lucky we are in Colorado, to have so much beauty all around us? Being in nature is naturally soothing and healing. Hiking trails, creeks and mountain views are wonderful resources literally just outside your door. Even looking at the sky and trees through a window can give your eyes and brain a mini-vacation during your workday. Take time to take in the beauty around you: watch a sunrise or sunset, look at the moon on a clear night. Feeling the vastness of the sky and nature can help to put our temporal problems in perspective.
10. Senses: Use all five of your senses to bring you into the present: hearing, vision, touch, smell, taste. You can also use your imagination to transport yourself to a place/memory that is soothing, whether it’s a seaside beach, a meadow with wildflowers and babbling brook, or a childhood playground. Include a friend or pet that brings you joy and comfort. Your body will respond positively even to an imagined pleasant experience.
- Hearing: Listen to the wind or bird songs.
- Vision: Really see the colors and textures around you.
- Touch: Feel the wind and sun on your skin, or the comfort of your favorite soft blanket, petting your cat or loyal dog, or the touch of a loved one.
- Smell: Smells can be the most evocative sense…bread baking, cinnamon in tea, a perfume that reminds you of someone you love. Essential oils are one way to use scents to bring a sense of calm. Place a few drops of lavender on your pillow or your neck, or use a diffuser to emit a pleasant, soothing aroma in your living space.
- Taste: Slow down long enough to really taste and savor your food.
Gratitude and Meaning
Finding gratitude daily can help bring a wider perspective and shift your attitude amid a stressful or difficult situation.
Recently, I managed to slice off two fingertips with my mandoline on Christmas morning. Now, injuring my hands has always been one of my biggest fears since my hands are an essential part of my livelihood. But once I stopped the bleeding, I felt immensely grateful that it wasn’t worse, that I did not need to pay for an ER visit and that I had very little pain. In the weeks that followed, I have been deeply appreciative and in awe of the ways in which my body knows intrinsically how to heal itself, with very little help from me other than to keep the wounds clean and covered! It reminds me of the many times in which I have witnessed the awe-inspiring healing potential in all of us, not only physically, but also emotionally.
At the end of every day, before I go to sleep, I take a few minutes to practice gratitude and perspective by asking myself two questions:
1. What went well today?
2. What am I grateful for?
Another way to deal with grief and loss is what David Kessler calls the sixth stage of grief: to find meaning2. In the case of a death, it is not about finding meaning in the death itself, but in what that person represented, or how you can honor that person’s memory. With other losses, such as losing a job, it can mean seeing the potential for growth and finding new direction for your life. The Chinese symbol for crisis is the same as for opportunity. It’s true that these opportunities are sometimes hidden, and more easily recognized in hindsight. However, it can be helpful to look for ways that life may be calling you to find a deeper purpose and to utilize untapped creativity.
Getting Support
As the song “Lean on Me” goes, “we all need a little help from our friends.” If friends’ support is not enough, or you are feeling isolated, we are just a phone call away. We at Somatic Therapy Partners are specially trained in trauma (which is another word for overwhelm or too much, too fast) and anxiety. If you’re struggling, please contact us today!
There is so much love for you here!
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